A Start
by artemis-nz
Summary: Hisoka thought it might show a certain weakness of character to have such constant nightmares. Tsuzuki/Hisoka.


Hisoka thought it might show a certain weakness of character to have such constant nightmares. He willed himself each night to sleep a peaceful sleep, scrunched up his eyes on the edge of slumber and told himself it was over.

But it never was, and he dreamed the same scenes over and over like a tape in his mind. It was easy enough to shut down the images during the day, throwing himself into work so earnestly that he had no time to think of anything but the job - however distasteful - before him. And in any case, work now seemed almost easy after what he and Tsuzuki had been through.

At night however, it was different. There was nothing else to focus on, and it made no difference how tired he was. Hisoka felt almost cheated that Tsuzuki himself appeared to have no nightmares, ever. Whenever they were forced to share a hotel room (and more than once a bed), Hisoka lay awake for hours at time listening to Tsuzuki's snores. He, at least, seemed untroubled by dreams.

It pained him each time Tsuzuki woke him up. Over the last few months they had spent much time together; even with Muraki gone, their work had not slowed down in the least. For that Hisoka was grateful, but the first hotel incident with Tsuzuki shaking him awake after yet another nightmare had only been the first of many. Hisoka had flushed - not because he had been sharing the bed - but because Tsuzuki of all people had caught him in a weak spot and failing utterly to deal with it. Tsuzuki looked bewildered when Hisoka had pushed him away and simply rolled over to face the wall. Nonetheless, Hisoka's coldness never stopped Tsuzuki from showing concern.

And still, long after that first hotel incident, Hisoka was unable to stop the dreams. Again and again Tsuzuki drifted off into the mist, or looked at Hisoka with terrible blank eyes. Hisoka had of course never told his partner this - that would have been even more embarrassing than waking up to Tsuzuki's worried face. No, he would let Tsuzuki think what he liked about the dreams. As far as Hisoka was concerned, the more Tsuzuki stayed in the dark about this particular problem the better. Hisoka could not think of himself as a boy any longer - not after everything that had happened - and with his usual stubbornness refused to accept any help, least of all from Tsuzuki.

Still, in spite of his best efforts, even Tsuzuki could not be blind to the effects. Hisoka would not let his tiredness affect his work standard, but the dark rings under his eyes could not be concealed. Nor could a complexion that was more pale than ever, or the tense way Hisoka held himself.

Tsuzuki, in typical fashion, simply barged in one night and announced that he would be spending the night at Hisoka's place.

"_What?_" Hisoka's voice was too sharp and he sought to sound more calm. "What's wrong with your own place?" he said in a slightly quieter voice.

"It's... ah... heating problem. Yes. And since it's getting so cold at nights now, there's really no other choice but to stay with you until the heating gets sorted out."

Hisoka was unconvinced, but he knew that look. Tsuzuki was not going to budge. Resigned, Hisoka retreated to the kitchen to make tea. Tsuzuki wisely said nothing more of consequence for a couple more hours, making up for Hisoka's silence with inane chatter until it became plain that Hisoka couldn't stay awake much longer in spite of what was, for them, a reasonably early hour. The clock struck ten when Tsuzuki got up from the couch and stretched with an exaggerated yawn.

"So", he said, his tone somehow far too nonchalant. "Where am I sleeping?"

Hisoka pretended that he wasn't blushing. "On the couch", he said with a shrug. "There's only one bedroom."

"Oh, but-"

"And the bed is a single", said Hisoka firmly as Tsuzuki affected a whining voice. "So you'll have to sleep on the couch - there's no choice."

"Actually, Hisoka, I brought a mattress along-"

"_No_."

But Tsuzuki didn't back off at the warning tone. "Aw, 'Soka, there's plenty of room in your bedroom for me... and it's rude to make a guest sleep on the couch anyway!"

"It's rude to come over with saying anything and it's even more rude for you to whine about having to sleep on the couch", said Hisoka, arms folded.

"Pleeease, Hisoka!"

"No. I don't want my sleep disturbed by your snoring."

"I wouldn't, I don't snore... erm, that loudly. And anyway, you're so tired I'll bet you'll go to sleep the minute you get to bed. See, you're practically falling asleep as it is!"

Hisoka couldn't deny it, but more importantly the more Tsuzuki pleaded and whined, the sleepier Hisoka was getting. Whatever happened, there could be nothing - _nothing_ - more embarrassing than having Tsuzuki see Hisoka fall asleep before he had even got to the bedroom. He couldn't appear so weak, and his pride had already taken blows before, when he had to be rescued by Tsuzuki on numerous occasions which Hisoka didn't care to think back on. His hands clenched and Tsuzuki grinned, pushing past Hisoka before the young shinigami could change his mind.

"Great! I'll just get my bed set up and we can get to sleep... oh, do you have some blankets I can borrow?"

Hisoka stalked to the cupboard, speechless at Tsuzuki's casualness. He threw the blankets at Tsuzuki without really looking and didn't even smile when his partner failed to catch them and was hit in the face instead. "I'm going to the bathroom", he said abruptly, and took his pajama's with him.

By the time he had returned to the bedroom, Tsuzuki had already settled in. "'Night, 'Soka. Thanks for letting me stay..."

"Whatever. I'm turning off the light now."

Hisoka switched off the light and climbed into bed, not changing his position until he heard the familiar snoring. He sighed and allowed himself to roll over, head facing the window. Tsuzuki's snores became fainter, dissolving into the rest of the noises of the house. His eyes closed in spite of himself.

In his mind's eye Tsuzuki stood before him. There was no fire to be seen, and yet Hisoka could hear the crackling, burning noises. Tsuzuki stared ahead, looking at Hisoka and yet seeing nothing before the mist thickened. Hisoka reached out a hand but found himself unable to utter a word. His feet were rooted to the ground and yet Tsuzuki seemed almost to float, getting farther away by the second. The mist closed around Hisoka like thick choking hands, turning his skin icy cold and making it harder to breathe. "No!" he finally managed in a hoarse whisper, as if that single word might dispel the mist. Tsuzuki's eyes, as blank as could be, were the last thing Hisoka saw before the mist closed him in completely. He might have screamed but the scene abruptly changed, transporting Hisoka to a dream that was not familiar.

It seemed to be the middle of the day from the light, but Hisoka looked up and saw that a moon, fat and red, was the real source of the light. His eyes widened in shock and he spun around, half expecting to see Muraki sneaking up on him. The street, however, was empty. "Tsuzuki...?" His voice echoed, and Hisoka knew he was disturbingly alone. He looked down and saw cherry blossoms crushed underfoot. There were no trees to be seen but the petals lined the path he was standing on trailed into the distance. At a loss for what to do, Hisoka followed the pathway. It wound on and on, and Hisoka's feet grew heavy. He rounded another corner, and then another, and finally the house stood before him. Or at least, it was what used to be a house. Hisoka ran towards it but there was nothing he could do. The smell of smoke still rose heavy in the air, but the house was burned down entirely. With a terrible certainty, Hisoka knew that this was where Tsuzuki had disappeared to in the mists, and that his body was burned and gone along with the house. The wind rose, blowing away small charred pieces of wood and grit, and dust from the road, and... Hisoka swallowed, feeling sick at the thought of ashes being blown away with everything else. A terrible smell assaulted his sense before he fell where he stood, legs suddenly too weak to support his body. He did scream then, because it was the only thing left for him to do.

"Hisoka! _Hisoka!_"

Hisoka was still screaming when he woke up, and could not reign in his shock and fear quite quickly enough. There was a brief flash of red and Tsuzuki ended up sprawled on the floor, rubbing his head where it had struck the floorboards.

"Ow..."

"Tsuzuki! I didn't mean... I mean, what are you doing? I-"

"You were dreaming. You wouldn't wake up - I kept shaking you but you wouldn't open your eyes until... well, you know."

For once, Hisoka was incredibly glad that it was he who was the empath and not Tsuzuki. He felt the waves pouring from his partner; concern, worry, anger not directed at him but strong nonetheless, slight panic. Instinctively, Hisoka closed down.

"I'm sorry for knocking you over", he said stiffly. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

"Hisoka...!"

The feelings were too strong... no, Tsuzuki was too strong, Hisoka corrected himself. No matter how he tried to be unfeeling, Tsuzuki easily overpowered him. His eyes, mercifully filled with emotion, looked not at him but rather right into him. Hisoka quickly turned over so that he was once more facing the window, hoping that Tsuzuki would take the hint.

Tsuzuki didn't. He went around the bed so that he was once more looking at Hisoka. The blonde closed his eyes. "I'm tired, Tsuzuki. Look, I haven't been sleeping well I admit. So I need sleep now."

"Don't give me that!"

Hisoka's eyes shot open out of pure surprise. Tsuzuki's voice was steely; Hisoka had only heard that kind of tone from his partner directed at him once before, when it had all started-

"Are you listening now?"

Hisoka stared.

"Good", said Tsuzuki as if Hisoka had given an answer. "Because you need to hear this. If you don't tell me what's wrong it's only going to get worse. You'll become only a shadow of your former self, and eventually - if you keep it up for too long - you'll die, Hisoka."

Hisoka snorted. "I'm already dead."

"Never doubt that a shinigami can die too. And you know it - we've both come close already, too many times."

Hisoka was silent, allowing the fact to sink in. He knew Tsuzuki was right, but that didn't make it any less difficult to let Tsuzuki know what was really happening.

"Hisoka. If you die, I'll never forgive you."

Hisoka couldn't stand looking Tsuzuki in the eyes any longer and averted his gaze. "I'm alright you know. I just have nightmares... they'll pass. Everything passes in time."

"You don't have the time."

Hisoka tried to laugh it off and failed, realizing too late that the noises he made were not those of laughter. Too late also to hide it; even as he rolled over away from Tsuzuki properly, he knew Tsuzuki had already seen.

"Hisoka-"

"Don't touch me!"

Tsuzuki ignored him, and was still hugging his partner when Hisoka had given up any pretense of calm. He buried his head in the pillow to muffle the sounds while Tsuzuki waited, his hands resting gently on Hisoka's shoulders.

Hisoka didn't know how long this carried on and didn't care to guess. Eventually he lifted his head, not seeing the point of wiping off the evidence of his crying.

"Want to tell me what's going on?"

"Not really."

"Come on, Hisoka. We've come this far. Just a bit further."

The steely voice was gone, to be replaced by a gentleness that made Hisoka want to cry again. Out of confusion, he met Tsuzuki's eyes again.

"It's just like I said. Nightmares. I've tried to get rid of them but I can't. What more can I do but wait for them to pass?"

Tsuzuki's eyes were hypnotic, holding him in place. "You could talk about them. Holding them all in is obviously not helping. You could just tell me about them and-"

"No! You don't understand!"

"What don't I understand?"

"The nightmares aren't something I can just talk to anyone about, especially..." He trailed off and wished he was anywhere but the bedroom, anywhere but where Tsuzuki could look at him with such patience that made Hisoka feel ashamed and certainly no better.

"It's not a crime, Hisoka! You're allowed to talk to people about it, it's okay to need someone else once in a while! And it's only natural to dream about it all sometimes. Nobody would blame you after all that's happened, and yes even I am kept awake at night thinking about him. He would give anyone bad dreams. Muraki, I mean."

"You... you idiot!"

"What?"

"You actually think I'm having nightmares about him all this time? God, you're so _stupid!_" Hisoka couldn't help saying it, although he regretted it as soon as the words came from his mouth. He looked out the window while Tsuzuki caught up with him.

"You don't... well then, what are you having bad dreams about? Nothing surely could be as bad..."

Evidently Hisoka had not cried out all there was to cry as he had thought. Defeated by Tsuzuki's innocence, his eyes filled for the second time that night.

"You idiot", he whispered again. "All this time... all this time and you still..." Hisoka shook his head. "Don't touch me..." The words seemed weak even to him and he knew it was too late to backtrack. His head felt heavy, the room spinning sickeningly. Tsuzuki caught him as he fell from his sitting position, preventing his head from hitting the end of the bed. Hisoka just looked at him, exhausted. He saw himself reflected in Tsuzuki's eyes.

"Oh", said Tsuzuki quietly, miraculously. Hisoka didn't know how, but Tsuzuki had figured it out on his own.

"It won't stop here", said Hisoka.

"I know."

Hisoka didn't say anything more, not even protesting when Tsuzuki ran a hand down his face to wipe away the tear tracks. His eyes fluttered closed, energy spent. Tsuzuki watched the blankets rise and fall evenly with each breath, making sure Hisoka finally slept peacefully before going back to bed himself.

He didn't expect that the dreams would stop immediately. Things took time; the dreams, having made their imprint on Hisoka's mind, would take even more time to fade. Hisoka was right - the dreams would not stop there, not by a long shot.

Still, it was a start. Tsuzuki's snores filled the room again. For now at least, it would do.


End file.
